Contemplating Life

We are inextricably connected – body, mind, heart, soul, and spirit – to the world around us and to other living beings. Life is such an amazing miracle, which we often instead just nonchalantly accept as a given. Plants take air and water and sunlight and earth into themselves, and, according to their specific internal instructions, transform that into more individuals of their specific type (wheat grass or apple trees or roses...). We animals need the plants to process and bind the elements of sun and earth. We take plants and other animals and air and water in, and ... cats make more cats, people make more people, bees make more bees. It's miraculous that the same elements make a peach or a pine needle or a bird, and from such simple stuff. I could never make a cherry out of earth and water and air and sunlight... but, amazingly, I can help make another human being... and a cherry tree carries exactly the right instructions to make a cherry.

We each are little whirlwinds spinning across our century, picking up the atoms and molecules we need, and dropping them again. We are made of stardust which was formed billions of years ago, was flung out into the universe, and then coalesced into our planet. Air molecules we breathe now may have been breathed in and out by a dinosaur, or may have lived a while as a tree or an ocelot. Water we drink may have formed an ocean or tumbled down a mountainside, may have floated above us as a cloud, may have participated in the internal sea of another creature. There is a constant dancing interchange of particles between our bodies and the rest of the world. Our bodies are a bit like rivers, changing moment to moment, though still recognizable as us. Even the very cells and substance in the cells change, as do our brains and muscles and bones, reacting and growing as needed to deal with what we encounter and to allow us to do what we do. Such amazing ability to learn and grow and heal, to respond to the world around us.

The world of nature, the world of spirit, the world deep within self --- all places to learn and to grow, to find love and community, to connect with others ... and to learn respect and awareness and about places of danger. One can find oneself and one can lose oneself. We will experience joy and love and fulfillment, and we will experience pain and hurt and difficulties and death; all are parts of this life. There is amazing beauty; there are disasters and accidents and illnesses and evil. We are not in control. There are many layers, and we often learn much more in the difficulties than we ever would in ease, sometimes finding unexpected gifts in the midst of the pain.

What is God? The pulse and breath of life in me and in the world, the deep abiding love that surrounds me and stirs in my heart. Creation and inspiration, the great mystery, undefinable, a deep knowing. The sound and music and being and dance that underlie and move in all that is. One who can be found in silence and in service and in love and in creativity. One who knows me utterly and accepts and loves and guides and teaches, showers grace and blessings and forgiveness, moves me and helps me grow. One who connects us all, teaches me to delight in variety, contains the whole world and yet lives inside me, does not fit into my rules and understanding, is ever more.

Knowing God is there and loves me is like knowing a person (parent, mate, child, friend) loves me: I can’t prove it, I just feel and know it. It’s something that can only be experienced, not proven. It's similar with nature and spirit and self – one’s mind has to quiet, one has to spend time, listen, be, and experience. Then awareness can blossom, and wonder appear.

3/8/12 Home

Reaching toward the deepest and the highest,
the fullness for which my soul yearns,
my true home --
which has not so much to do
with the particulars of life
as with how well I am tuned
to the divine music which plays through all things.
When I fully join in that dance, that song, that being --
there are no words to describe --
only a rightness and a joy welling deep inside,
a deep welcoming gladness that I am home,
a profound aliveness,
permeated with love,
connected with all things,
everything ordinary transformed into beauty
filled with light and meaning.
My heart sings.


So easy in this life to get distracted,
pulled off course,
caught in fear or anger or envy or greed or pain or tiredness,
focusing on what doesn't matter,
seeking after illusions, lies, compelling deceits and escapes.


We each have our own particular giftings and
paths of connection to the divine, and our own difficulties
and negative experiences that need healing.


Acceptance, trust, faith, waiting,
stilling myself, sensing, listening, feeling.
The image of a seed growing deep in the earth,
in the nurturing darkness, watered and warmed.
The image of waking from sleep.
The image of a feather floating on the wind of Spirit.
The kingdom of heaven is nigh.




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For me, my preferred paths of connection include learning from others (books, classes, deep personal sharing and community), being outside in nature (the temples of creation), creativity (including writing and poetry, but also including music and art and inspiration in life -- it feels like I'm dipping into a divine well -- or river or ocean -- and things come through for me to learn from and share), helping and serving others, and as a Christian, asking God to live in me and quieting and listening and opening myself and my life more and more fully to God.


Part of my challenge has been how to avoid overstuffing my life with things to do, knowing I have limits (and acting as if I do), and making sure I connect and listen well in the midst of busy-ness.

1/7/12 Boundaries, Love, Helping and Healing

I think when we think and talk about boundaries, codependency, and loving and nurturing ourselves, we have to be very careful. Actually, I think we have to be careful when we talk about helping others as well. I think it’s very easy to be confused with this, and that we often may think we are doing the right thing but may really be doing something unbalanced or selfish without realizing it, while following the best of human motives and current wisdom. I am absolutely thinking of myself as I write this. Over the years the best I've come to is that I can't know, and can be pulled the wrong way by my own "selfish" desires, even the desire to help, or the desire to act rightly; and that the only "right" way to act is to seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in each case (knowing that I can sometimes even be mistaken when trying to do that, because I'm human).

I think any set of rules saying, "Always do this," is wrong. Even following the parable of the Good Samaritan can be "wrong", because some evil people prey upon that by pretending to be hurt and then killing or robbing those who stop to help. It takes discernment and guidance from the Spirit each time. ("Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves" Matthew 10:16) Or, for example, certain ways of helping can actually be saying to the person you are trying to help that you think he or she is incapable, unable, and needs you (or would fail or die or whatever); while other ways build up that person's ability and confidence, and imply that you are both co-travelers in life, each of whom may need help from time to time. (There's interesting psychological writing on triangulation, and especially on the victim, attacker, and rescuer triangle, where roles can easily change, and the one who was trying to rescue now either gets attacked or becomes abusive.)

All of the writing and wisdom about codependency, boundaries, tough love, and the like is very useful, especially if we didn't have good modeling of appropriate boundaries growing up. However, true, good, and right love and healing cross boundaries. Jesus crossed boundaries in his work all the time. He also had utmost respect for people's selves and autonomy and decisions; he often asked if they wanted to be well, and responded to people calling or coming to him. He did very different things for different people; he did not use a formula.

If we try to make a rule for ourselves, we can easily err, either on the side of being selfish, hiding behind the rule of boundaries; or by exhausting and depleting ourselves following a rule that says we always have to give. I am human, and limited by time, space, and my body. I, for example, can only be a mother, a friend, a wife, and even a doctor, to a limited number of people. I could not be a doctor to all the people of a city, or even a medium sized town. There might be a person who could be physically or psychologically or spiritually saved by my extending beyond my normal boundaries; there could be another who might only be "saved" by my insisting on his or her own ability and accountablity, and I might be "lost" in trying to give and give to such a person. I am not wise enough on my own to know the difference.

Again, the best example I have found for trying to maneuver through these pitfalls is that of Jesus. He would spend tremendous time and energy healing people and teaching crowds. Then he would withdraw into places in nature to be alone and pray to God (even when people were still begging for his time and attention). He said he only did and said what his Father told him to do and say. He looked to the spirit of the law, not to its literal interpretation. He looked at people's hearts and spirits.

Love and healing come from somewhere deeper and higher than our laws and rules do. Laws and rules attempt to codify things and make them safe; in the process things can become rote and bureaucratic, with overtones of slavery and unwitting evil. There is a glorious freedom and health that comes from wisely breaking those boundaries when led by the Holy Spirit. Breaking them when led by our own selfish desires leads to misery and pain. It takes experience, prayer, earnest seeking, discernment, wisdom, learning, and listening to the Holy Spirit to know the difference. (And I don't personally pretend to be more than partway on this journey.)

Love and healing are built into us. We naturally turn to our parents and then to others with love; our bodies naturally heal. There is a higher and deeper level of both; we recognize it at a remarkable level in some people, for example with Mother Teresa. Lawrence LeShan wrote an interesting book called "The Medium, the Mystic, and the Physicist", and then "Alternate Realities", talking about different ways of looking at and experiencing the world. For example, in the western scientific method, we've achieved amazing technological and medical discoveries. He says that in the world view of a mystic, it's like each of us is a wave on a vast ocean, and the power of the whole ocean can be focused on an individual wave, allowing miraculous results (such as healing that would be beyond the ability of the body to normally achieve). There is no way for such a thing to happen in the scientific worldview.

Our western society systematically embraces the scientific worldview, and in our usual pattern of school and work and peer pressure tends to stamp out mystical tendencies. (We're supposed to be on time, not daydream, focus on and believe what we can see and feel, etc.) I think prototype experiences and inclinations are probably there in each of us as young children in each of the various ways of looking at and experiencing the world. (For example, who hasn't had the experience of thinking about someone and then had them call on the phone, or found out that something unusual was going on for them at the time?) As adults, we can specifically nurture and train those ways of thinking and being and experiencing that may have been suppressed by our families or culture.

Changing Focus

Changing Focus, or Where do I put my Attention?

When I am stuck in a concern or emotion or question, when I quiet myself and meditate, I have found that concern doesn't matter on the level of the deeper spiritual place.

When I am upset or angry or hurt, I sometimes use journaling to sort through things (often the dialog section from Progoff's Intensive Journal Method), and something new and deeper invariably comes to light, and I'm no longer going in circles with my thoughts and feelings.

A photographer, Dewitt Jones, who worked for many years with National Geographic, has made some wonderful short teaching videos (see Star Thrower, at starthrower.com). I've been inspired by the ones shown at some of the management classes at Merced College. He talks about focusing one's vision (in the most recent one I've seen); taking time to immerse oneself and use one's intellect, intuition, and passion, let the unimportant fall away, and be left with a strong vision. He is able to illustrate what he means by showing a series of photographs and the difference between a "regular" picture, and the beauty and clarity that happens when you focus your vision. I just checked out his website, and found I could sign up for free to receive a "Celebrate What's Right with the World" weekly photograph, at http://www.dewittjones.com/celebrate.htm

I can focus on the emptiness in the glass of life, the stressful things, what I think I'm lacking; or on the fullness, dwelling on what I am grateful for and what I love.

I can focus on what I want and need or on what I can give to others. I can dwell on my problems, or help others with theirs. (This doesn't mean to ignore what I need or a problem I have; it's more a perspective issue, of what looms large in my vision.)

I can focus on wanting more, or on how much I can do with what I have.

I can worry about what will happen if ..., or I can fully live this moment now.

I can mourn and become depressed with the loss of someone I love, or appreciate the connection I had with them, what I learned, their impact on my life.

I can dread conflict, or realize it's an opportunity to make things better for everyone involved.

I can be upset and fret about delays, or use them to teach myself patience, give myself a short break, or focus on something beautiful or enjoyable. I can be upset with the driver in front of me, or think about possible difficulties he or she may have, and wish him or her well.

I can focus on the problems I have, or on God, who is able to solve problems or teach me through them -- I might even find they are an unexpected gift (as I found with the cancer I had).

I can worry, or I can pray.

I can complain, or I can give thanks.

I can be bored or stuck, or I can play or learn.

I can stop to see the beauty around me, smell the flowers, listen to the music, or I can half-live life, never noticing the amazing things around me.

I can focus on the incredible ability of my body to heal, and listen to it warn me of problems, or I can worry about my health.

I can try to control my life and others around me (and probably steer into huge problems), or I can learn to surf the waves of life with awareness and a sense of joy and play, and let others live their own lives and learn their own lessons.

I can stay stuck, or realize and explore the tremendous variety of possibilities that exist (even given whatever I might be stuck with).

I can bemoan all the tragedies going on in the news, or I can a) do something about a problem (if I'm called to do it), and b) realize the overwhelmingly greater number of good things people are doing for each other and the world, that are rarely in the news.

I can fear change, or I can accept that it will happen, and find ways to preserve positives from the past and welcome the opportunity to discover new ones.

I can get stuck in ruts. or I can intentionally travel new routes, sit in different areas of a room, try new things.

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A few related writings and quotes (many taken from thinkexist.com and brainyquote.com):

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.” -- Henry David Thoreau

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“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” -- Charles R. Swindoll

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“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.” -- Ashley Smith

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“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -- Howard Thurman

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Serenity Prayer (used in Celebrate Recovery)

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did , this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. In Jesus' Name, Amen     -Reinhold Niebuhr

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My Identity in Christ

Because of Christ’s redemption,
I am a new creation of infinite worth.
I am deeply loved,
I am completely forgiven,
I am fully pleasing,
I am totally accepted by God.
I am absolutely complete in Christ.
When my performance reflects my new identity in Christ, that reflection is dynamically unique.
There has never been another person like me
In the history of mankind,
Nor will there ever be.
God has made me an original,
one of a kind, really somebody!

From Search For Significance, by Robert S. McGee

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People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

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The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”-- James Dean

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“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”
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“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”-- Flora Whittemore

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“Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.”
-- Horace

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“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure”-- Peter Marshall

12/17/11 Integrity, aikido, heaven and earth, spiritual growth

I had these thoughts in response to aspen apGaia's blog, where he's been writing various things about aikido, and decided I wanted to share them here also. (http://apgaia.blogspot.com/2011/12/heaven-and-earth.html)

To me, integrity has to do with being whole, all of one piece, rather than fragmented or having contradictions between your beliefs and actions.  One with integrity is trustworthy, lined up, consistent, honest.  One doesn’t (fortunately, since none of us are) have to be perfect.  I have a feeling of organic growth, knowing oneself, having clear aims and goals, having strong character, being present and real, following through.  I believe it takes awareness, courage, knowledge of one’s strengths and weaknesses and limitations, the ability to interact with others without losing one’s own mooring and direction.  There is also a sense of goodness and rightness, that one would not harm others, and would do things to help others and the world.  One would be moving in truth and in love.

integrity

c.1400, "innocence, blamelessness; chastity, purity," from O.Fr. integrité or directly from L. integritatem (nom. integritas) "soundness, wholeness, blamelessness," from integer "whole" (see integer). Sense of "wholeness, perfect condition" is mid-15c.

integer (n.)

"a whole number" (opposed to fraction), 1570s, from L. integer (adj.) "whole, complete," figuratively, "untainted, upright," lit. "untouched," from in- "not" (see in- (1)) + root of tangere "to touch" (see tangent). The word was used earlier in English as an adjective meaning "whole, entire" (c.1500).

(from http://www.etymonline.com)

In aikido, one would be lined up with earth, self (body and attention/intention), other, and heaven. One would be fully present in the here and now, centered and grounded, moving from one’s center, fully aware and alive, moving in clear awareness and harmony.  The attacking pattern breaks harmony, launching energy in a way that would harm the other person. Using aikido to blend with the attacking energy, one moves off the line of attack (so out of the way of being harmed), and turns to move (blend) with the attacker which restores harmony.  Your own center now becomes the center for both of you, and you now have control of the resolution.

If one is instead tangled, with lack of awareness, misaligned body, not centered, trying to force the other person instead of blending, then this doesn’t work.  Instead of harmony there is discord and fighting and struggle.  Heaven and earth are not brought together, your heart and the other person’s heart (and perhaps bodies) are hurt, and you are not moving in integrity.  Truth and love are absent.

The interaction of heaven and earth is a profound topic, with many aspects, reflected in many different cultures.  We are beings with body, heart, mind, and spirit.  Many of us have a sense of the earthiness of our bodies (in both positive and negative ways), the shortness and fragility of physical life, and a sense of eternity in terms of our spirits or souls.  We know that reality on this earth does not match our ideal visions and ethics. We have heaven and earth tied together in us.  We can choose lack of awareness.  We can choose evil or good.  We can center on ourselves or on something larger. We can vacillate.  We can grow towards wholeness (integrity).

In the Christian viewpoint, we can invite God to live in us (and us in God).  The Lord’s Prayer says, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”  Jesus also said that unless we become like a little child, we can’t enter the kingdom of heaven.  (I think this points to the importance of awareness, living in the present, being open to imagination and intuition, and straightforward knowing and love and faith, not all tangled up in thoughts of what other people will think or what you should do.)  One of the Hermetic sayings (and, I think, Sufi) is “As above, so below.”  From a non-theistic viewpoint, we can open to the highest in ourselves, or around us, and focus or dwell in that place. As St. Paul put it in the Epistle to the Philippians 4:8 (NIV), “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”.  The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is common to many cultures.

There are 3 stories or writings that have come to my mind as I’m thinking about this. 

One is from a book about using stories to work with children, and it's about Heaven and Hell. An angel comes to a rabbi, and takes him to see Hell and then Heaven. When he is taken to Hell, the rabbi is surprised to see a beautiful meadow with a stream and trees and banquet tables full of wonderful food. However, the people at the tables are utterly miserable -- they can't eat because their elbows are totally stiff and won't bend, so they can't get any of the food or drink to their mouths. The angel then brings him to Heaven. Here things are exactly the same, but the people are all smiling and happy. They are feeding each other.

The second is from Khalil Gibran in The Prophet, in the chapter on Crime and Punishment.  (found on http://leb.net/~mira/;  I’m quoting part; the whole thing is well worth reading.)

“It is when your spirit goes wandering upon the wind,
That you, alone and unguarded, commit a wrong unto others and therefore unto yourself.
And for that wrong committed must you knock and wait a while unheeded at the gate of the blessed.
Like the ocean is your god-self;
It remains forever undefiled.
And like the ether it lifts but the winged.
Even like the sun is your god-self;
It knows not the ways of the mole nor seeks it the holes of the serpent.
But your god-self does not dwell alone in your being.
Much in you is still man, and much in you is not yet man,
But a shapeless pigmy that walks asleep in the mist searching for its own awakening.
And of the man in you would I now speak.
For it is he and not your god-self nor the pigmy in the mist, that knows crime and the punishment of crime.
Oftentimes have I heard you speak of one who commits a wrong as though he were not one of you, but a stranger unto you and an intruder upon your world.
But I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you,
So the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.
And as a single leaf turns not yellow but with the silent knowledge of the whole tree,
So the wrong-doer cannot do wrong without the hidden will of you all.
Like a procession you walk together towards your god-self.
You are the way and the wayfarers.
And when one of you falls down he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone.
Ay, and he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot, yet removed not the stumbling stone. .....

the erect and the fallen are but one man standing in twilight between the night of his pigmy-self and the day of his god-self,

And ... the corner-stone of the temple is not higher than the lowest stone in its foundation.”

The third is from Teilhard de Chardin, a Jesuit priest who was a philosopher and scientist, and whose writings were opposed by the church hierarchy.  I read a book of his for a college course, probably The Phenomenon of Man.  He talks of the evolution of man, and posits a tiny bit of spirit in each tiny bit of matter (atoms), and gradually with the development of more complex molecules and life, more and more spirit/consciousness in each being.  The world progresses from geosphere, to biosphere, to noosphere (formed by human cognition, gradually increasing in complexity and awareness, something more than what is inherent in each individual human), and finally the Omega Point, a maximum level of complexity and consciousness to which the universe is being drawn.  (This is a different thing than the Gaia hypothesis, though that is also a fascinating way of looking at the world.)

Our development as individuals in this world is highly complex and very interesting.  Physically, amazing things occur without us “doing” anything, and there are full disciplines of embryology and human development.  Psychologists have studied human psychological, cognitive, and moral development (Erikson, Piaget, Kohlberg...).  I believe positive systems for growth, healing, and spiritual development are all inherent within us, both individually and as groups/cultures. (For example, slavery, abuse, and the belief that women or different races or cultural groups are inferior, have gradually been changing over hundreds of years.)  I know personally through my lifetime I keep developing spiritually, and my experience is that God brings some new aspect for me to learn or work on as soon as I’ve finished the last thing.  Awareness and intuition (inner vision, hearing, and knowing, including a sense of being called to something), courage, and a willingness to know that I don’t know and am not perfect and have a lot more to learn, are all important for this type of growth.  This is what makes life exciting and worth living (along with the wonder of the world will all its variety and beauty, and love and joy and peace ...)  And I think this is how we help to tie together heaven and earth, and share it with others.

Thanks for sharing part of your journey and being and learning with me.

Vultures and crows, currents, communication, and compassion 12/10/11

Last week I was watching vultures swirling upward through the air, never even needing to flap their wings, wending their way in long slow gradually rising circles, eventually moving off into the distance on an unseen current of air. I was thinking about how water has currents that we can often see because of bubbles and ripples and things floating along; perhaps animals living in the water, like fish, can only feel the currents rather than see them, because the water is surrounding them. We live in the air, and can't see it, and can only see the effects of the currents of air from something moving in them, like birds or clouds or tree branches or leaves or dust, and of course we can feel the wind blowing against us.

Currents in the world of spirit are invisible to our physical senses, but once again we can feel things, such as love or fear or exaltation. And we can see people moving in unexpected amazing ways, and know they are riding the currents of the Holy Spirit. Unseen currents (water, air, or spirit) can have patterns we can learn, or can be unexpected; can be gentle and refreshing, or powerful and even dangerous; can transport us far from our starting points and guide us to distant shores and destinations. We can learn to sense and ride and fly the currents, but there is a power in them we can't control, and when we surrender to them we can go the farthest with the least effort, perhaps to places no one else has ever been.

The same day I was watching the vultures, some crows just on the other side of a line of trees set up a loud excited cawing that went on and on. Other crows from nearby cawed and flew over, and then more and more groups came, until all of them within hearing arrived. I'm sure I watched at least 50 fly over, over the course of 5 to 10 minutes. I don't know if they found something alarming (like a hawk or owl), or something to eat or hunt... but all of them in earshot responded. I thought about how when white blood cells in the body find an intruder they send out messages that call other white blood cells to come and attack. And I thought about how in a healthy group (of animals, or in a family, or in a village), when one sets up an alarm or call, others of the group come to help or investigate or comfort or protect, or heed the warning and go hide.

How do we make our larger communities (schools, businesses, cities...) sensitive to the cries of those who are hurt, or warning of problems, or who need help? I think we become overwhelmed by the amount of commotion and noise and distress and sensory overload in a place with many people, and don't feel a personal connection. Some of the psychological and sociological studies show that the more people that are around, the less likely someone is to personally help or call for help. They also show that if we are busy (supposed to get somewhere for an appointment, for example), we are less likely to stop and help. So we need to make space for connection, and space in our days in terms of time. Space for unexpected "divine appointments". Space for us to be ourselves. Space to connect with nature, and slow down to our natural rhythms. Places where we can truly see others and be seen, where who we are and what we do makes a difference (so we don't learn helplessness, or learn that we don't matter). We need to stay aware instead of tuning out. I think that we've let our society get too big and anonymous, perhaps in search of efficiency, or perhaps from lack of planning, and that we need to plan ways to create connection, intimacy, authenticity, integrity, compassion, and respect.

Acceptance and blessing, 12/4/11

A week of many things -- work and play and rest and talking/connecting and concerts and outdoors and a mild virus and aikido and contemplation and reading and exercise. The days felt full, the sleep restful, and the connecting positive and sometimes thought-provoking. I haven't been drawn to writing much this week, though I have a few images for future poems from some of my time outdoors.

I'm feeling a sense that accepting/welcoming all of life/experience is important, feeling that it's all a gift, and that there are things to learn and grow from in all of it; rather than judging this part as good and welcome and that part as bad and to be avoided/escaped from. As I lay on the grass tonight looking up at the tree's outline against the moonlight and starlight, I had a sense of layered complex beautiful patterns -- the cosmos, the tree, myself (the large part and the miniature parts inside), the earth with its currently cold surface (at least where I am) and tectonic plates floating on the molten core. A gentle curious questioning and questing and sensing. In beauty I walk.

May beauty surround you. May your heart feel the love of God and others, be fully surrounded by it and fully reciprocate it. May you be at peace and know you have a place and purpose in life, and a connection with the universe outside of you. May a quiet or exuberant joy bubble up from the depths of your being, even in the midst of difficulties and losses. May you continue learning and growing and helping and serving all the days of your life, in that wonderful circle/cycle of giving and receiving. May you frequently be able to pause and be still, rest and connect, laugh and play, love and hold and be held, forgive and be forgiven.

Aikido (mostly written in November, posted here 12/10/11)

The other night aikido practice was wonderful. It always is. Aikido brings into play body, mind, and spirit; and there’s immediate physical feedback as to the quality of my presence, the flow of my energy, my awareness, and my connection with the other person and their energy. It’s an exemplar, a metaphor for all parts of life. I feel a strong sense of play, joy, delight, and of deep connection with myself, the other person, and the universe. I feel and see the energy flow – grounding, extension, moving my center, blending, connecting. There’s immediate difficulty or failure of a technique if I’m not fully present, if I’m trying, forcing, doing, trying to make something happen or make someone else do something, thinking about what to do, or struggling or fighting with someone. We all are teaching and learning together, from and through each other, deepening with laughter, love, and play.

Words are inadequate (though I’m trying). I so appreciate the flow of connection, welcoming, loving, accepting, exhilaration, learning, experience, the laughter that bubbles through me with a good fall, teaching, feeling, sharing, presence, ease, falling, relaxing, connecting center to center, moving in harmony.

The other night there were two things that happened that I don’t remember having noticed before. First was in practicing what is sometimes called the unbreakable arm. One extends energy through the arm (from earth through center through arm to the horizon). I variably think/see/experience it as energy, as light, or as a firehose full of water. When someone tries to bend your arm, if you try to keep them from doing it, there’s a feeling of fight or struggle and difficulty, and it will either bend or not depending on whose muscles are strongest. If you experience the flow of energy, there’s no struggle, and it’s much more difficult for them to bend your arm. This night I used the word “giving” and imagined giving the energy instead of it just flowing through me, and there was a different quality to it, somehow more open and easier and loving.

Second was working with a technique where the attacker punches you in the belly. The first couple of times I didn’t feel much of a connection; it felt likethe person I was attacking had the idea of what he was going to do, and was doing the motions, but wasn’t including me. A couple of words of feedback, and then there was a good connection and throw. The following time was absolutely amazing. Before I even started the attack, I could feel his center and energy connecting with me and affecting me. I almost couldn’t attack – I wanted to fall down right there before I had even moved. (I didn’t – I made myself attack and fell very quickly when he moved in the technique.) There was something in his stance and energy and presence that shared a connection with something much greater, that’s very hard to put into words. There was a fullness, a presence, a welcoming loving embrace, a deepness, a strength, almost like running into a mountain, or encountering a deep still pool, but one fully aware of everything including me –he was at the center of it, fully connected to it and to me. Had I been a “real” attacker, I never would have attacked him.

I think that meditating and practicing that deeper connection and awareness (whether it be by sitting, or praying, or connecting with nature, or in aikido, or in a creative pursuit), grounds us and links us to something greater in the universe, that then affects us and the people and world around us. The things that matter to my ego don't matter in that deeper place of spirit, and fall away. I can go back and forth, and do. (I remember especially when my kids were young, and if one of them said something angry to me, I could respond calmly several times, but after 4 or 5 rounds I might catch the anger or frustration myself, and respond similarly, and have to give myself a time-out.) I definitely prefer the peace and love and beauty of that deeper place, and the more I practice it, the more I am able to stay connected with it in the daily world, and, I hope, help others to connect to the same place. Practicing aikido gives immediate feedback to me as to where my awareness and connection and spirit are, and practice in regaining the deeper stance, and blending (accepting, loving, being at peace) with the other person. It focuses me on what I am doing and bringing with me, rather than what the other person is doing. When I reach (and stay at) that deeper level, the aikido techniques flow easily; when I don't there's difficulty. There are few other places in life where I can see this so clearly, with an easily seen and felt physical metaphor and demonstration. Aikido allows me the space and safety to correct and change and transform, so that I can stay there longer and more deeply.

A little more thought on aikido and metaphors: for me aikido, besides being a physical exercise and useful for self-defense, is also a mental and spiritual exercise, and a metaphor for living life, doing and being and relating.

Rooting: imagine yourself like a tree, with roots going down from your feet deep into the earth. (Try lifting someone when they are doing this and when they aren’t.)

Unbendable arm (extension of energy): Imagine energy (or light, or water), coming up from the ground through your feet, through your center, out your arm, extending from your fingers, across the room, out to the horizon, like a fire hose. (Try bending someone’s arm when they are doing this and when they’re not.)

Blending energy: Blend your energy with that of the person approaching/attacking you: Move so their impetus – speed, direction, strength – continues unimpeded. Join with them, so your center becomes the shared center, and your energy extends further along their path. Then you may add to or change the direction into a throw, still rooted and extending energy.

In the experience of aikido, one can experience difficulties. If it’s hard, you’re not doing it “right” – you’re not in harmony with yourself, the other person, and the universe. Most commonly you might experience blocking, resistance, fighting; or a trying to do, to make things work, to make the person go a certain way; or losing connection with the person, not affecting them, having the idea in your head; or perhaps a lack of clarity on your direction of energy– holding them up instead of directing them to fall.

One can experience competent performance. The rooting, energy extension, blending, and throws are all done well, with ease, successfully. It feels good, it works well, the physical movements and energy are flowing and harmonious. It feels normal and natural (both throwing and falling).

And one can experience the amazing. A connection you feel from the other person’s center before you even start to move to attack. While continuing that connection, a movement of their center and body, and you fall before you touch them or they touch you. The connection incorporates a spiritual dimension and energy that is very hard to put into words. Something like that if I’m attacking, I’m running up a hill or a mountain, or running into a whirling wind and gravity that moves me – down into a fall, or spinning away from them. At the same time it’s loving, exhilarating, deep, full of laughter and play. It feels wonderful (even when you’re the one doing the attacking and falling).

Waking up and living fully (written in November, posted here 12/10/11)

I’ve been thinking more lately about awareness, being fully awake spiritually, and the struggle I often have between things I want to start doing regularly and old tendencies/habits or perhaps a rebellion against doing what I think I “should”. Sometimes just when I have had a few really positive ideas and experiences and think that I’ll make that a regular part of my day, some part of me seems to resist. I may spend the day doing all house work, doctor work, playing Mahjong on the computer, and/or reading fun books ... but not exercising or seeing friends or walking or meditating or writing. (I’ve even had times when I went outside to meditate, and found myself walking away to do something that crossed my mind, and needed doing, without consciously deciding to stop meditating.) It feels a bit like having a part of me that doesn’t want to be “made”or told or coerced or pushed or forced into anything, even if it’s something I know is good.

Perhaps it means I’m approaching it wrongly, that it’s not best to make a list or schedule of things. On the other hand, all the people I’ve read and seen who develop a deep spiritual life or a balanced way of living write or talk about setting aside time in a habitual disciplined way for things such as meditation/prayer, exercise, writing (or whatever creative endeavor they engage in). But I clearly see in me a resistance to that. I think as I write this and feel/think about it that the process of inner feeling/vision/calling or discernment (asking/praying about each choice) feels better – I get a ‘yes’ feeling about that. Perhaps it has to do with my tendencies to want to do things well (perform) and be approved of, and if I make a list it feeds into those tendencies, while if I feel at each moment I’m more aware on the spirit level.

I’ve been thinking about the “shadow” self, that unconscious area we don’t accept or are unaware of or are afraid of, that Carl Jung wrote about. People who write about it say that often if we’re annoyed or angry about something in someone else, we should look at ourselves, because we often have that trait within us. Also I think if we admire or want some quality someone else has, we probably have that trait (at least to some extent) in ourselves, probably unrecognized and undeveloped. We often project our struggles and concerns on the people around us. It’s illustrated in the basic way we see the world and what we tell ourselves about it.

Sometimes I have the sense of really, truly encountering the world or another person without my own baggage and preoccupations interfering – a true connection and flow. The other day I was taking about a 45 minute slow exploring, meandering, experiencing walk in a park area I’m not usually in. I let myself wander wherever I felt like, and stop and look and feel. I saw hummingbirds, an owl, fat sparrows, mockingbirds, a jay, flickers, and a bird I don’t know the name of; small animal trails in the grass; many plants and flowers and trees; rocks; sun and shade. There was a numinous connection, and I felt refreshed, reborn. Sometimes when I’m with a patient or friend I totally forget myself and my attention is focused on them and I sense/feel what’s going on for them, and connection and communication are full and effortless and feel very good to both of us.

Then there are times when I’m aware of myself, almost like I’m playing a role on the screen of my life, aware that I have 10 other things I need to do, and I’m not truly being there, not truly connecting, not truly loving. Times where I’m resisting, retreating, wanting to close off, move away, numb out, escape.

So how do I wake up, become unstuck, untrapped, aware?
– become able to sense clearly, reflect and choose rather than just moving along in a realistic dream (following the flow of the world’s way, my family’s way, my friend’s way, my way, my ideas of the right way)?
– not automatically turn down the road the way I usually go?
– re-member (make myself anew)?
– inquire, feel, listen, be, choose, follow fully; with the right timing, right attitude, in full love, in full awareness, in Spirit, in body, in heart, in mind, in right relationship?

It feels like part of the answer is to retreat in a positive way, spend a minute or an hour or a day or a week to re-nourish and re-ground myself so I can truly perceive and care and love. And part of it is prayer, praying to the Holy Spirit, who moves in all things in this world, to help me sense the movement of spirit in and around me, so that we move together, in love and harmony and beauty and truth.

Possibilities and creativity (written in October, posted here 12/10/11)

I had a possible free continuing medical education course to go to in Fresno, but gave myself permission to go or not, and just to sleep as long as my body wanted. So I didn't go, since I woke up at 9 and the class was from 8 to 12. Feels better to do it this way (like a feather floating on the wind). Now I have time to write here, go on a walk, get the oil changed in my car, see a friend, and be leisurely with my day. Often many different choices are good, like walking on different paths through a wood; we can appreciate the blessings of whichever way we go. (I remember reading a letter to Ann Landers by a woman who had a baby with Down's Syndrome. She used the metaphor of going on a trip. She and her husband had planned a trip to Italy, read the travel brochures, all their friends had gone there, and they were looking forward to it. The plane ended up landing in Holland instead, not where they had expected, but full of beautiful things also....)

I enjoyed creating and sharing the poetic writing I posted last. When I first saw the clouds on my walk that morning, the image of blankets thrown back across the mountains came to mind, and I filed it away in my memory, feeling a poem there. (Luckily my memory is working pretty well now, much better than in the middle of chemotherapy, though I'm still forgetting some things I would usually have remembered.) The next day, when I came home late, I had the desire to sit down and write. The following morning I edited and polished it while typing it into the computer. Then during the day, I enjoyed reading comments people wrote, and I shared it with my family, coworkers, and some of the patients/friends who came in to see me at the office. There is a sense of joy and clarity and a wish to share shining through the whole thing, even when I reread it. Some of my writing (like today's) is clearly just me thinking and talking to you. Other days, with the poetic writing and with some of the spiritual/psychological writing, there is something coming through me, not just me, and I also enjoy it and learn from it, and will go back and reread things to let them sink in and more thoroughly learn them.

I have an image of dipping deeply into the well of Spirit, and coming up with something to marvel at and share; that well or current or wind or resource is always there and all of us can have access to it through our spirits (but not with our everyday busy task-oriented mind). I can recognize it in things people say, in their writing, in their being when I see them. There's a sense of it in a group of people when one person shares something deeper, and the whole group goes to a deeper, more intimate level. It has to do with the deeper (or higher)capacity that I believe God created in and for all of us, only our culture tends to steer us away from that toward more superficial things. (In fact, I think our education system, at least elementary and secondary school, is almost designed to squelch anyone going to that deeper place.) For me there seems to be a number of ways to access it: getting deeply quiet and meditating; being out in nature; music; writing; reading; talking deeply with people (one of the things that's so satisfying to me in being a doctor). There is a deeper, larger love and rightness about it. (Not the personal you-me love of friendship or child-parent or mate, although certainly they can partake of the deeper love, but something more profound, even impersonal compared to the personal love (or perhaps more profoundly personal, relating to our deepest being), something that can't be spoken in our words but resonates in our spirits, pointed to by God giving his name as "I AM" in the Bible, or "The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao" in the Tao te Ching by Lao Tzu.)

I can feel it in people when they fully pursue their gifts and their callings, whatever they are (whether it's drumming or writing or massage or teaching or homemaking or serving or helping others in some way,or anything else). There's a fullness of presence, a deepness, a rightness, an acceptance, a joy, and a love in such people that inspires me. I think when each of us pursues that depth in ourselves, it makes the whole world more right, more what it's supposed to be.

10/8/11 After the rain: seeing the world with the eyes of a poet

It rained last night. Moist coolness met me when I walked outside; the air has been rinsed out, and invites me with its freshness. The sun peers down from a clear blue canopy, shining warmly on my face. On all sides clouds are piled up, like a rumpled comforter thrown back across the mountains, gentling them with heaping billows of grey and white, in some places layered softly, in others sharply etched in complex patterns.

Oh, to be such a one who rises with the dawn and throws back the coverlet of clouds, greeting the day with a fierce joy. What might I do and see, striding across the earth!

All too often I slumber unaware, while miracles play about me unnoticed. Such an enchanting, amazing show as life on this earth provides would fetch a high price. But we so often make our way through it oblivious, unappreciative. What value a breath, a sunset, a song, a tree, a hug, the curve of a cat's tail, a child's laughter, the touch of a lover, the fragrance of lilacs, the stretch of our muscles, the sound of leaves murmuring in the wind? Truly we are rich beyond our wildest imaginings, and must respond with rapture, joy, delight, wonder, and gratitude. Such would be woven throughout the tapestry of our days were we fully awake, alive, and aware.

10/6/11 Love versus Fear

We have two main choices in how we react to things that are happening.


The first is with love and acceptance, for example:

 This is what is – seeing and feeling clearly.
 
 I’m okay, you’re okay.  You are here in this world with me.  We’re different. We can learn from each other.  We can share with each other.

 A deep love and cherishing, this person is created by God, beloved, a blessing, meant for something wonderful, a gift to me and the world.

        This circumstance, even if unwanted or negative, can be used by God to help me and help others.  How can I open to God's presence during this time, and align myself with his purposes?  How can I help to bring into being something good?  What do I have to be grateful for?  (This doesn't mean not to feel grief or sadness or anger, it means to be aware that there's more.)



Or we can react with anger/fear/control:

 With this I react against what is, desperately want it different, and relate negatively to it.  I try to beat it into submission, destroy it, run away from it because I don’t like it, or make it do what I want, when I want, how I want...  I get caught in the situation and my life is defined by the situation, like I'm fighting with Tar Baby (in the story by Uncle Remus).  I'm more and more stuck, and can no longer see all the beauty and opportunities in life, which are still there if I would just look around.



We want control. We want to be able to make things the way we want them to be. But we don't have control.  The more we try to control, the more difficult things become.  By letting loose of this, and learning to see and feel what is, and surf the waves or float on the wind, we gain perspective and wisdom and flexibility.  We can guide ourselves with  vision.  We can blend and flow with the energy of the situation.  We can move, sometimes even counter to the wind if we tack our sails.  We can have access to the whole resources of the universe. We can flourish and grow and help make things better.
 
It doesn't mean we will be "a success" by the world's standards, or even survive -- none of us come out of life physically alive.  We all die.  It does mean we have a chance to make a difference, to live our calling, to be the unique person each of us is.  This world has natural disasters, illness and death, inattention and accidents, and evil in it.  It also has amazing beauty and love, intricacies beyond our knowledge and ability, things of wonder and joy, deep peace and silence beyond the noise.  It's our choice how we live, and with what we engage ourselves.

9/25/11 Be Here Now

I thought about what I might want to write tonight. The main thing that came through was, "Be here now." I think I first read the phrase in a book about a utopia, and they had taught the mynah birds to fly around and say that. Really, we can't be any where else than here and now, but our minds dwell elsewhere enough that we aren't always aware and appreciative of here and now. Often we get caught up in dwelling on what happened and what we wished had happened instead (unhappy with either someone else or ourselves), or what we wish for or are afraid of in the future (which most likely will never happen). I can't remember in which book, but I read something about suffering which said usually we can deal with whatever pain that is happening right now, but as we project forward with the fear that it might go on forever, or be worse, that is what causes the severe suffering that feels unbearable. Someone else said that a coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero only one. (In anxiety we imagine many more negative things than ever happen.) Someone else said that if we're still alive, there's more right with us than wrong.

Our minds are very powerful, and can be used to great good, but untamed they can take us on very scary and depressing and unnecessary trips. We can learn to stop this by thinking about good things, by focusing on blessings (things we're grateful for; a gratitude journal can be very powerful), by meditating/praying/relaxing, by moving/exercising/dancing. Jon Kabat-Zinn in "Full Catastrophe Living" describes some mindfulness meditations focusing on the breath, the feelings in your body, your emotions and thoughts, and that in allowing yourself to feel the feelings (they're there anyway), you often find they start to change.

Tom Brown, Jr., from whom I took wilderness survival classes, tells a story about a man who finds a demon (this is in the far East, and the demon is not an evil being) who will do anything he asks. He is overjoyed, and asks it to cook him dinner, and clean the house ... and it does very quickly, but each time comes back saying, "Master, it is done," and looks a little bigger and more powerful, and wants something more to do. So he asks it to find him a wife, then to build a palace, then to ready a feast, then to invite all the neighboring rulers... and when it's doing that he runs out into the forest to try to escape it. He finds an old wise man, and tells him his trouble, and the wise man gives him one of the curly hairs of his head and tells him to tell the demon to straighten it. He doesn't see how that will do anything, but when the now very large demon finds him, and roars, "Master, it is done!", he tremblingly holds out the hair and tells it to straighten the hair. It straightens it, smiles at him, and then as it starts to hand the hair back, the hair curls again. It gets slightly smaller, tries it again, and the same thing happens. Finally it is back to normal size, and the man takes away the hair, says, "Take me home", which it does, then gives it the hair to straighten once more until he needs something else. The demon is our mind, and the hair can be anything a culture uses to calm the mind, a ritual, meditation, yoga, candles, prayer, and so on. The mind can be tremendously useful and helpful, but a tyrant if we let it hijack us with worries, fears, doubt, bitterness, despair, and so forth.

"Being here now" can be as simple as noticing our breath moving in and out, really tasting the food we're eating, noticing the feel of our body against the ground (or chair or bed), feeling the warmth of the dishwater and looking at the little bubbles of soap, watching and listening to the trees move in the wind... There's peace and beauty and acceptance. Even for someone with chronic pain (physical or emotional) this can be powerful. I remember one person who used to attend my weekly chronic pain class/support group, and he would say that he did this and could put his pain in one box, and it was always there, and he could come back to it anytime, but he could go experience other boxes when he did the relaxation meditations. Jon Kabat-Zinn has a chapter where he describes the experiences of people with chronic pain who attended his stress reduction clinic, and most of the time the intensity of the pain and suffering improved.  Eckhart Tolle wrote a whole book on "The Power of Now".  Brother Lawrence, in "The Practice of the Presence of God" said, "The time of business does not differ with me from the time of prayer; and in the noise and clatter of my kitchen, while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great tranquility as if I were on my knees." Tom Brown taught some visualization/ spiritual meditations where you imagine healing loving relaxing white light slowly filling up your whole body, and then imagine a shape and color and texture and size for any discomfort, then change it into a round black stone, and let it fall through the light into the earth. Many people had a brief change or stopping of their pain, and he said having it stop briefly or forever is only a matter of degree -- if it can stop briefly, it can stop for much longer. John Sarno, a physician, has written books about back pain (and other problems), and has taught people about coping with stress and relieving tension in their bodies, and found that many people have the pain go away when they do so. For those who believe in God, the "I AM" was, is now, and ever shall be, and the divine love in the eternal now has complete power.

So -- become aware (body, mind, heart, and spirit). Wake up. Really feel what you're experiencing, with an open, curious, appreciative attention. Give your mind positive things to focus on, appreciate and use its power when you need it, and keep it tamed. There's joy, peace, beauty, amazement,freedom, and a powerful energy in being here now, even in difficult circumstances. The only place we can act is now. It's the only place change can happen.

Meditation

I posted this on CarePages last week, but thought I would include it here as well.

Thursday I set aside the morning for some contemplation time. I was still tired when I first woke up, so I went back to sleep. I spent a while in the late morning sitting outside in a shady area. Some of my initial conscious thoughts -- what are my next steps, how do I avoid getting caught in the always-more-to-do cycle (that can get me out of balance, never get finished, and eat up my life), how to live and love well (God, my family, everyone I work with and care for, all people, the world, myself), how to make sure I have enough time for things important to my spirit.

(As I started to relax and deepen into a more meditative state, a tiny feather came floating across the yard and landed right next to me on my right side, less than an inch long, a very defined down feather.)

I want to be fully awake, aware, vibrant, alive, able to accept and act, free ...and yielded and joined with the Holy Spirit.

Awake! Live. Love. Surrender.

Listen. Feel. Act. Be.

Cycles, Phases, Seasons.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Go deep.

East, South, West, North.

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter.

Live, Learn, Act, Reflect and Integrate, Die.

Truth (what is)

Vision
Step by step
Create
Build

Center, ground, extend, flow, blend

Move with the breath of God

Fully see each thing anew

Allow

Whole

Stand for, integrity, Love, persevere

Prepare the earth, plant the seed, water, harvest

Grow

There's not just one way, there are many (trails and unmarked). Go where heart and spirit draw me.

Listen for the calling, the song
Feel for the ease, the source
See and live the vision
Sing the song
Move from the center, in balance and wholeness, in the spheres of Heaven and Earth
Walk in beauty.

(I have a sense of beauty, of peace and joy, of angels and spirits all around.)

God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you.
Grateful heart.
Then sings my soul, my savior God, to thee.

(Another down feather floats across the yard, landing a little to my left, this one even smaller and more flowing/feathery, gray, so soft I can barely feel it.

The feathers, like the poplar leaves, move to the tiniest movement of air, float on the breath of Spirit.

I am left with a very peaceful sense that I don't have to figure this all out, just need to move with the breath of Spirit in my life.)

9/17/11 Peace

I've felt quiet and peaceful since my meditation time on Thursday, when I dropped my wish to figure it all out, and instead trust that I will move on the breath (or wind) of the Spirit.  My mind has quieted.  I've gone on several walks.  Fahren's Park is beautiful.  Today I watched hawks (both on the way there, and during the walk) -- they moved in the air with nary a wing flap, turning and rising on the currents of the rising thermals, needing only to hold their wings out and steady, and make tiny movements to swoop or turn.  I saw them first clearly (and very beautiful) just above the treetops, and within a few minutes they had been lifted very high. ("You are the wind under my wings...")  In the park I watched jays, a hummingbird, dragonflies, butterflies, a kingfisher (first I've seen in a long time), a junco (I think), a robin, and the grass, eucalyptus, stream, many trees and plants, and some kids throwing water balloons at each other.  I noticed that the real beauty of the eucalyptus bark shows after storms and other stresses have stripped off the outer darker thick rough bark....  I trust that God, who can make feathers float to me at precisely the time and place of my meditation to give me a strong sign, and who can bring beauty out of storms, will move my life to precisely the right effect and beauty ...  and it will need no effort on my part, just awareness and listening, and floating on the breeze, riding the wind....  Love, Barbara

9/16/11 Introduction

I've been going through an intensive life and spiritual experience the last 4 months.  I found a tender lump which turned out to be a Stage1 lymphoma in early May 2011, and have just completed chemotherapy and radiation.  I've been posting regularly about this, with various experiences, thoughts, poems, and writings, on CarePages.com (my page there is BarbaraShowalter) over this time.  Several people have suggested I start a blog and keep sharing, so here it is.

The lymphoma is gone, and I view it as an unexpected gift, one which encouraged me to make changes and better balance my life, and has led me to look at different possibilities now rather than at some indefinite time in the future.  Some of the new things I'm drawn to are writing and leading healing retreats, which I'm just starting to investigate and move toward.  I'm working part-time as a family doctor, rather than full-time plus.  I'm attuning myself more to moving with the breath of the Holy Spirit rather than long "to-do" lists.  I'm looking at what I really love to do (like being out in nature, reading, aikido, connecting deeply with people), and spending more time with those things.

Yesterday I scheduled myself a morning for contemplation rather than at work in my office, and the peace from that (and from aikido in the early evening and taking a couple of walks) has extended through today.  (I wrote about the contemplation time last night on CarePages.)  One of the images was floating like a feather on the breath of Spirit.  Awake, aware, effortless, arriving at exactly the right place and time.  (Nothing I could ever do by trying on my own. No need to have it all figured out.  We can't do that anyway, nor can we control things.)

I wish you joy and love and peace on your journey.  Perhaps we will move together on the wind for a while.